Monday, June 30, 2008

Movie review of Things we lost in the fire

Things we lost in the fire - 6/10
Directed by Susuanne Bier
Cast - benicio del toro,halle berry,david duchovny

Plot Summary
A recent widow invites her husband's troubled best friend who is a heroin addict to live with her and her two children. As he gradually turns his life around, he helps the family cope and confront their loss.

Review
An interesting non - Hollywood type of movie. Direction was done really nicely. I loved the camerawork. Especially shots of the actors' eyes through different scenarios and emotions. Editing was done fairly well.
The cast in this movie was
good and it's been awhile since I last saw Halle Berry in a good role, her last few movies were pretty much shit.The scene stealer is definitely Benicio Del Toro. Everytime he appears in a scene,he acts it out fucking brilliantly while oozing coolness. Worth watching this movie just for Del Toro.

Best quote
Jerry Sunborne: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Audrey Burke: What's heroin like?
Jerry Sunborne: Do you hear that expression being kissed by God?

Recommended movies by the director
None that I know of
Editors note; Things We Lost In The Fire is a 2007 drama film directed by Susanne Bier and written by Allan Loeb. The film was released in the United States and Canada on 191007 and in the UK on 010208

Movie review of the Happening

The Happening - 2/10
Directed by M.Night Shyamalan
Cast - Mark Wahlberg,John Leguizamo,Zooey Deschanel

Plot Summary
A paranoid thriller about a family on the run from a natural crisis that presents a large-scale threat to humanity.

Review
I had a pretty hard time choosing which is the worse, M.Night Shyamalan's movie, Lady in the Water or The Happening. The Happening came a very close 2nd.
The Happening has a horrible plot, a fucked up script and terrible bad acting. Sadly this is written,produced and directed by M.Night Shyamalan. What the fuck was he thinking. It's pretty obvious he has lost the plot. Don't get me wrong I still think he is a pretty good director. There are some scenes which were shot very nicely, but I think it's high time he stops writing cause the fucking stories are getting more and more silly. It's also high time he does some other shit instead of thrillers. I am sick and tired of his Hitchcock-esque style. M.Night Shyamalan ain't no Hitchcock and he should stop trying to be.
The script was probably written by a five year old or a retard.To make matters worse,you have really bad actors doing your fuckall script. Mark Wahlberg aka Marky Mark was doing a really bad impersonation of Keanu Reeves. Not only does he speak in a monotous tone,it was high pitched and whiny.And trust me..its starts getting really annoying after awhile. Zooey Deschanel cannot do serious roles. She belongs in the teenage romantic roles or comedic ones. The only saving grace from this movie was John Leguizamo when he gets killed within the first 15 mins of the movie. Brian O'halloran aka Dante Hicks of Clerks is in the movie as well, but only in a cameo role. The editing is
terrible,it's so badly done that you have no idea what the fuck is going on from one scene to the next.
If you haven't watch this movie in the cinema, don't waste your money and don't even bother renting it.


Best Quote
Nursery Owner: I think I know what's causing this.
Elliot Moore: You do?
Nursery Owner: It's the plants. They can release chemicals.

Recommended movies by the director
Sixth Sense

Movie review of The Oxford Murders

The Oxford Murders - 2/10
Directed by Alex De La Iglesia
Cast - John Hurt,Elijah Wood

Plot Summary
At Oxford University, a professor and a grad student work together to try and stop a potential series of murders seemingly linked by mathematical symbols.

Review
What a fucked up movie! Definitely one of the worst murder mystery "who done it" ever. Totally ruined my sunday cause I watched the Oxford murders and The Happening.

There are 6 reasons why I hated this movie. Here they are;

1.Bad acting.
The women in this movie acted as though they had something up their arses all the time.John Hurt whom I thought was a good actor did a fuckall job, everytime he is onscreen and starts blabbering around,I just wished the Chestbuster(from the movie Alien) would pop out of his chest and kill him so he won't have to continue.

2.Elijah Wood.
I think he threw his acting skills along with the ring when he went to Mordor in Lord of the Rings. Fucker keeps thinking he is Frodo freaking Baggins. In this movie, he is supposed to be an American in Oxford university(England), but he keeps changing his accent...sometimes in an American accent and sometimes in a shitty British accent.(no American will says "fucking hell"). This pundei acts only well when he doesn't have to fucking talk (Sin City).

3.The script.
Just because the movie is done in Oxford University, doesn't mean you have to include big boombastic words in your script to fool your viewers. Some of us viewers may never have been to a university but that doesn't mean we are idiots either.Absolute Rubbish! And thats was what I thought about the script.

4.Editing.
I'm pretty sure the editing team are deaf and blind.

5.The Plot.
Definitely the shittiest plot ever.
As the movie drags on, the more pissed off you will get.
6. Love scene.
There is so much bad acting in this particular scene even porn actors have done better jobs in acting.
British chick(Leonor Watling) with big tits trying to fuck the hobbit (Elijah Wood), bumbling all over the bed and...there is a plate of spaghetti involved. You would go "what the fuck" as I did when you see that.
Dont even bother watching this movie and avoid it at all cost.
Best Quote
None.

Recommended movies by the director
None

Editors note: This movie is based on a award-winning novel by the Argentine author Guillermo Martínez, first published in 2003. Like a said before, usually the books are much better.

Movie review of You don't mess with the Zohan

You don't mess with the Zohan - 5.5/10
Directed by Dennis Dugan
Cast - Adam Sandler,John Turturro,Rob Schneider

Plot Summary
A Mossad agent fakes his death so he can re-emerge in New York City as a hair stylist.

Review
Not one of Adam Sandler's classics, but it will do. As usual, Sandler has his own bunch of comedians acting and some of them did a pretty good job. There are a few scenes and jokes which are indeed pretty hilarious but apart from that,this movie is nothing fantastic. Sadly most of the jokes were pretty stale.

Worth watching on a weekday, unless you are a Adam Sandler fan and if you have nothing else to watch then Dont mess with the Zohan will do on a weekend.

Best Quote
Michael: Well, tonight's our night for the Community Nightwatch.
Zohan: The Communism tight crotch? What?

Recommended movies by the director
Happy Gilmore
I pronounce you Chuck and Larry
Beverly Hill Ninja(Chris Farley)

Friday, June 13, 2008

Movie review of The Incredible Hulk

The Incredible Hulk - 7/10
Directed by Louis Leterrier
Cast - Edward Norton,Liv Tyler,Tim Roth,William Hurt

Plot Summary
Fugitive Dr. Bruce Banner must utilize the genetic accident that transforms him into a giant, rampaging hulk to stop a former soldier that purposely becomes an even more dangerous version,the Abomination.

Review
This is soooo much better than Ang Lee's Hulk in so many ways. Ang Lee's Hulk looked like fuck and was a fucking poofter and the storyline was shit as well. The new hulk is shorter and looks much more menancing, grittier and darker. This movie is just like what Batman begins did to the Dark Knight franchise....a makeover. Even though there are a few flaws in this movie, I still found it awesome.
the casting this time is different but good as well. Norton is the new Bruce Banner in which he does pretty well. Tyler is the new Betty Ross and she wasn't so bad except that in some scenes she acts just alittle too much.

Hurt does a way much better General Ross than Sam Elliott though (no disrespect to Elliott) and finally Tim Roth is the bad guy(as always). When Roth acts as a bad guy, he IS the baddest muthafucker around! Roth plays the character Emil Blonsky aka Abomination to perfection which was just fucking brilliant.
The most fucked up thing about this movie was the script. All the jokes were not funny and the lines were just plain horrible.There are movie references, tributes, cameo appearances and soundtrack totally made up for the flaws. You get to hear that "sad walking away song" which was classic and seeing Lou Ferrigno and Stan Lee (and the indestructible purple pants) definitely brings a smile to your face.
The reason why I'm giving this movie a 7/10 is because of the final fight scene between Hulk and Abomination.It was Fucking AWESOME!!!! Watch out for the very last scene where general Ross meets someone rather familiar who offers a proposal,which is definitely gonna make you cum in your pants if it really happens. Definitely worth watching on a weekend!

Best Quote
Hulk: HULK SMASH!!!

Recommended movies by the director
Transporter
Danny the dog.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Movie review of Kungfu Panda

Kungfu Panda - 7/10.
Directed by Mark Osbourne and John Stevenson
Cast - Jack Black,Dustin Hoffman,Angelina Jolie,Ian Mcshane.

Plot Summary
Po the Panda is the laziest animals in all of the Valley of Peace, but unwittingly becomes the chosen one when enemies threaten their way of life.

Review
One of the better animated movies I have seen so far. Yhe jokes are your typical Jack Black jokes minus the vulgarity. Hey it's a kids show after all. Although it has a good cast, I felt that besides Dustin Hoffman and Jack Black,the rest of the cast were under utilized. They barley have less than 10 lines in the movie but still there are lots of really funny lines and scenes for all to enjoy.
The special effects and animation are pretty darn good. There is also a high level amount of cuteness in all the characters. Even the fight scenes are good even though its just animation.
Definitely worth watching on a weekend and if you have kids, they are bound to love kungfu panda.

Best Quote
Mantis: [while doing acupuncture on Po] Wait, wait, my fault! I tweaked his facial nerves! And may have also stopped his heart.

Recommended movies done by the director
nothing much but if u wanna watch a good and funny animated movie,I personally recommend Ice Age.

Movie review of Sex and the City

Sex and the City - 5/10
Directed by Micheal Patrick King
Cast - Sarah Jessica Parker,Kim Cattrall,Kristen Davis,Cynthia Nixon.

Plot Summary
After moving in together in an impossibly beautiful New York apartment, Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big make a rather arbitrary decision to get married.

Review
I have only watched a few episodes of Sex and the City and I was never a big fan of it.

I was "dragged" to watch this movie cause of my girlfriend happens to like the series alot.
To be honest I did enjoy the movie and my favourite character is Samantha Jones played by the wonderful Kim Cattrall. My girlfriend also mentioned to me that most men like her the most.(I think it's cos of her sexual appetite)the cast is pretty much exact from the series but I don't know why they had to add the fat cow Jennifer Hudson who cant act for shit. Her inclusion in this movie was a total waste of time. Every time the cow comes in a scene, she overacts just like that fuck ugly Louis Vutton bag she so desperately wants. It's unnecessary scenes like these which made this movie too long, it got a bit boring and tiring around the end. If they had gotten rid of that cow, I would have given this movie a much higher rating.

If you are a Sex and the City fan,you would probably be more pissed than I ,so I recommend you watch this on a weekday or just wait for the uncut dvd to be out.


Best Quote
Miranda Hobbes: Is it just me or is Valentine's Day on steroids this year?
Carrie Bradshaw: No it's the same, we just played for the other team.

Carrie Bradshaw: Well hunny, what have you been eating?
Samantha Jones: Everything except Dante's dick.

Samantha Jones: The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don't know how to screw you.

Recommended movies by the director
none


Sidenote RANT
Another thing I wanna bitch about is the editing or more like censoring scenes cause SOME STUPID MOTHERFUCKER HAD TO PUT THIS MOVIE RATED M18.WHAT I FAILED TO UNDERSTAND FROM THESE LOWLIFE, SCUM OF THE EARTH,PIECES OF COCKROACH SHIT IS...ALL THESE FUCKING WHILE SEX AND THE CITY WAS NEVER SHOWN IN TV CAUSE OF IT'S ADULT THEMES SO WHY THE FUCK DOES THE FUCKING CENSORSHIT BOARD HAVE TO GIVE IT A M18 RATING WHEN IT'S SO FUCKING OBVIOUS THAT ONLY ADULTS (21 AND ABOVE) WILL BE WATCHING THIS?????IT'S EITHER THEM OR THE FUCKING DISTRIBUTORS WHO THINK SEX WILL SELL TO TEENAGERS.WHY CAN'T THEY DO 2 FUCKING RATINGS INSTEAD? ONE M18 FOR THE TEENAGE IDIOTS WHO PROBABLY WILL HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT AND ONE R21 FOR THOSE OF US WHO PAY 10 FUCKING DOLLARS TO WATCH A DECENT MOVIE WITHOUT BEING SO AMATEURISHLY CUT UP BY SOME FUCKHEAD WHO CUTS SCENES LIKE HE IS CUTTING OFF HIS MOM'S PUBES.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Movie review of Speed Racer

Speed Racer - 5/10
Directed by The Wachowski Brothers
Cast - Christina Ricci,Emile Hirsch,Susan Sarandon,John Goodman,
Matthew Fox

Plot Summary
The story begins with Speed Racer who is a young man with natural racing instincts whose goal is to win The Crucible, a cross-country car racing rally that took the life of his older brother, Rex Racer..

Review
If you watch the cartoon series when you were a kid,you would probably enjoy this movie. If you have no idea about the cartoon series, you probably won't have a clue when you are watching this .
Unlike any of the Wachowski brothers movies,this has to be the most brightest(in terms of colour). It is indeed visually brilliant and sadly that is only enjoyed if you watch this on the big screen. The visual effects are nice but at times are way too much but that is the way the speed racer cartoon is supposed to be and the Wachowski brothers didn't change it.
Casting for this movie was not bad except for the fat kid. He gets alittle irritating at times (the monkey acts better).
I have always liked the Wachowski brothers way of storytelling. But after Speed Racer,i hope they return to the darker ways of storytelling to which they are good at.

Best Quote
Minx: [after seeing Speed race] He's going to be very good.
Racer X: No, he's going to be the best... if they don't destroy him first.

Recommended movies done by the directors
The Matrix trilogy
V for Vendetta

Friday, June 6, 2008

Chronicles of Narnia : Prince Caspian - 5/10
Directed by Andrew Adamson
Cast - Ben Barnes,Liam Neeson(v/o),william moseley

Plot Summary
The Pevensie siblings return to Narnia, where they are enlisted to once again help ward off an evil king and restore the rightful heir to the land's throne, Prince Caspian.

Review
Needless to say the first one was utter rubbish so I didn't want to spend my money watching this in a cinema.I watched it at a friend's place instead. Even though the part 2 is much darker than the first one, I still think it's a waste of 10 dollars. Good thing I didn't watched it in the cinema.
the kill scenes aren't very good and the battlescenes were abit disappointing. The story unfoldes to be alittle darker and it was interesting. The main casts are still irritating and can't act for shit. To make matters worse they added a new character called prince caspian who has a horrid accent and when I see him acting, he reminds me of Shrek's Prince Charming(must take care of the hair at all times). All in all,unless you are a fan of the Narnia series,you will enjoy watching it at the cinema, if not just wait for the dvd or the tv release.


Best Quote
Edmund Pevensie: I left my new torch in Narnia.

Recommended movies done by the director
Shrek
Shrek 2


(Editor's note; as I was saying earlier the book by CS Lewis is way much better. It's a classic)

Monday, June 2, 2008

Movie review of Resurrecting The Champ

Resurrecting The Champ - 6/10
Directed by Rod Lurie
Cast - Samuel L Jackson, Josh Hartnett,Alan Alda

Plot Summary
Up-and-coming sports reporter rescues a homeless man ("Champ") only to discover that he is, in fact, a boxing legend believed to have passed away. What begins as an opportunity to resurrect Champ's story and escape the shadow of his father's success becomes a personal journey as the ambitious reporter re-examines his own life and his relationship with his family.

Review
It's a slow moving movie, nothing spectacular or anything but a decent piece of story telling.
Camera works and editing were done well, script was also pretty decent. Directing was commendable also as I have watched "Last Castle" which was a pretty good movie with a strong cast. Acting, to my surprise, Samuel l Jackson actually did a pretty good job. It
was the only reason why I stayed watching throughout. Josh Hartnett was good as well, he wasn't too "Keanu Reeves" and does abit of acting.
This is a movie not worth watching on the bigscreen but worth watching on a lazy sunday afternoon chilling in the comforts of your home.

Best Quote
Champ: I'm not a bum; just homeless.

Recommended movies by the director

The Last Castle(James Gandolfini,Robert Redford)

Movie review of Lars and the real girl

Lars and the real girl - 7/10
Directed by Craig Gillespie
Cast - Ryan Gosling,Emily Mortimer,Paul Schneider,Patricia Clarkson and bianca the sex doll

Plot Summary
A delusional young guy strikes up an unconventional relationship with a sex doll he buys from the Internet.

Review
A simple yet alittle quirky story which is pretty funny. Ryan Gosling is one of the up and coming actors. In my opinion, he did a great job and in another Indie flick called "Half Nelson", he does yet another one. Everything in this movie was nicely done, from cinematography, editing, script to acting. Some scenes you can just laugh out loud for just it;s sheer simplicity. Been awhile since I had watched an Indie flick and I recommend this movie to anyone who just wants to chill at home on a lazy sunday.

Best Quote
Margo: What are you doing Friday night?
Lars Lindstrom: I have a school board meeting. Bianca got elected, so...

Recommended movies by the director
Mr. Woodcock

Movie review of Day of the Dead

Day of the Dead - 2.5/10
Directed By Steve Miner
Cast - Mena Suvari,Ving Rhames

Plot Summary
When a small Colorado town is overrun by the flesh hungry dead a small group of survivors try to escape in a last ditch effort to stay alive. It's an unfortunate remake of the classic Romero's Day of the Dead.

Review
It's safe to say this is probably the worst zombie remake of all time. Day of the dead tries very hard not to be a B grade movie but sadly it is. I'm still unsure why Mena Suvari and Ving Rhames did this movie.
The kill scenes are pathetic and not even a shot of boobage. Very bad cinematography,and probably the worst zombie make up used as well. If u wanna watch a good remake of a zombie movie, I suggest you rent "Dawn of the dead" and "Night of the living dead".

Dont even bother watching this.

Recommended movies by the director

Warlock (Editor's note:" I didn't like this movie at all.")
Lake Placid

Movie review of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the crystal skull

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the crystal skull - 3.5/10
Directed by Steven Spielberg
written by david koepp and George Lucas
Cast - Harrison Ford, John Hurt,Cate Blanchett,Shia Lebeouf,Ray Winstone

Plot Summary
Famed archaeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones is called back into action when he becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.

Review
This is definitely the worst Indiana Jones
movie. It was boring,stupid and it ain't funny at all. Despite a good cast ,the acting fell way short. Cate Blanchett can't do fun films and I realize this after watching this fuckall movie and she has a horrible russian accent. Somehow having Russians as the bad guys feels quite boring/ I do miss the Nazis though. Harrison Ford seems like he is just doing this for the money. Shia Lebouf in my opinion, overacted. It's like as if he is sucking up to Spielberg, Lucas and Ford. A good actor like John hurt was under-used sadly.


The script was just horrible, is was just plain sad. All the jokes weren't funny especially the one with the snake(which I find it to be stupid). I didn't even manage a smile.
Of all the 4 Indy movies,this has the worst introduction ever. Just to show the audience that the timeline is in the 50's, it is totally uneccessary. Iindy 4 has the shittiest plot also. 1-3 has always dealt with the supernatural and alittle bit of history and reality no matter how warped it is. ("what the fuck" was what I muttered to myself when i found out the plot).

But in this movie, Indy goes sci-fi. It
becomes shit. What the fuck was Lucas thinking when he did this? The muthafuckers should have just change the title to HAN SOLO AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL instead. The only good thing about Indy 4 is the camerawork. Even the stunts and special effects are rubbish.

To all Indiana Jones fans,do not waste your money on watching this in a cinema even on a
weekday. It is that bad. Wait for the bloody dvd.

All I can say is FUCK YOU SPIELBERG AND LUCAS FOR FUCKING UP THE INDIANA JONES SERIES!!! I REALLY HOPE HARRISON FORD DIES OR RETIRES SOON.SO HE DOESNT HAVE TO EMBARASS HIMSELF BY DOING YET ANOTHER INDIANA JONES.

Best Quote
Indiana Jones: I have a bad feeling about this.


Recommended movies by the director
just watch the first three Indiana Jones will do.