Thursday, June 22, 2017

Movie review of Transformers: The Last Knight

Transformers: The Last Knight : 1/10

I went into the cinema knowing full well it's gonna be a shit movie solely because its Michael Bay and all of the Transformers movies were shit. This guy is like Midas, except everything he touches turns to shit instead of gold. For 2 hours and 40 mins, I was dumbfounded. Dumbfounded because I knew it was going to be a shit movie and yet Bay has somehow still managed to piss me off with this horrible piece of crap. I'm going to go in point form and I don't really give a shit about spoilers cause the whole fuck movie is spoilt anyway and it's a Michael Bay movie not a PT Anderson movie so fuck off.

  • Editing. Absolute garbage. I have no fucking idea what the fuck is going on throughout the movie. One scene you are here and then suddenly without explanation you are there and the cuts are so abrupt.
  • Script. Here's an example. "Optimus Prime: [Morse code] I'm coming for you, humans..." IN FUCKING MORSE CODE!!!! And the lines gets worse for the fucking humans.
  • Optimus Prime. I thought the fucker died or looking for something in the previous movie. He finds cybertron which is controlled by some lanjiao bitch transformer leader called Quintessa. She mind fucks him till his eyes turn purple which means he is bad now. Then you don't see that fucker for 30 mins or more in the movie and suddenly he appears and takes Merlin's staff. YEA... FUCKING MERLIN....KING FUCKING ARTHUR'S MERLIN!
  • Optimus Prime's lines. Half the fuck time he is asking everyone what's his motherfucking name like as though he is Snoop Dogg and just to make sure, he will mention his name about 5000 times. even when he is bad, he gives himself a new name. Nemesis Prime. KNN. How about Pukimak Prime, motherfucker.
  • Megatron. It's just lazy that you have to use Starscream's helmet design and say that's a new Megatron look. Frank Welker did the VO for Megatron this time instead of Hugo Weaving which is cool but not very menacing.
  • Decepticons. I don't know why you have to show a range of decepticons with name tags only to kill them off in the next few mins. Definitely done for Hasbro to milk idiots into buying the toys for sure.
  • Timeline. There is no fucking link if you combine all the  Transformers movies together. and then in the Last Knight, all of a sudden you have King fucking Arthur and the knights of the round table and fucking Merlin(FUCK YOU STANLEY TUCCI) carrying a Transformer staff that wields a fucking three headed transformer dragon. Then all of a sudden you have WORLD WAR 2 sequences as well. Hitler was killed by a Transformer clock. Yup. A fucking Transformer clock.
  • Sir Anthony Hopkins. From Remains of the day to Silence of the lambs to Transformers. Why??? You got no money ah cheebye? Getting senile ah? For fuck's sake....
  • Mark Wahlberg aka Marky Mark and his bewildered "Why the fuck am I doing this for a second time" look.
  • British chick. Her forehead like Wong Fei Hong.
  • Special effects were good but utterly useless. you rarely see the transformations.
  • Bumble bee. now he can join his parts like Ironman. and suddenly... he has a voice that pretty much says "I love you Optimus, I will suck your cock and I will die for you" Well along those lines anyway.
  • Hot Rod aka Rodimus Prime is French. WHY???? What's next? Soundwave with an Indian accent?
  • Autobots. Fuck them and their VO actors. By the way you will only see the useless Grimlock in the junkyard. That's all cause the the other Autobots left the fucker there.
  • Little dinobots. I don't know what else to call them but I wonder, did Grimlock fuck Marky Mark to get those fucking babies?
All in all, this is definitely going into the list of worst movies of 2017. If you wanna bring your kids to watch this, for mindless fun. Don't. Teach them Maths or some shit. Fuck this movie.

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