Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Movie Review of Conan The Barbarian


Conan the barbarian - 2.5/10
Directed by Marcus Nispel
Cast - Jason Momoa, Rose Mcgowan,Ron Perlman,Stephen Lang

Plot Summary
The tale of Conan the Cimmerian and his adventures across the continent of Hyboria on a quest to avenge the murder of his father and the slaughter of his village.

Review
When I first watched Conan the barbarian (1982) starring Arnold Schwarzenegger,I was awed. I remember when I was a kid I pretended I was Conan and played with a toy sword just like how Arnie did it at the scene where he was practicing at the mountain top. Over the years when I watched Conan again and again,I will always remember classic lines like "Crom!, to hell with you! and "crush your enemies,see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of the women". Sadly when I watched the 2011 version I did not feel any form of nostalgia at all. Instead I just felt disappointed.Yet another movie of my childhood is ruined.
In 1982 Conan wields a heavy mean ass broad sword.In 2011, Conan has a faggot looking sword and wields it like a bow legged theater dancer who has stage fright. Jason Momoa is a good Conan.even though he can be no where as close to Arnie but still good enough.(and he has an awesome ass). I just wish he would stop jumping around like a pansy during the fight scenes.As for villains, you have James Earl Jones aka Darth fucking Vader as Thulsa Doom. yea...ok he might have had a silly haircut for that movie but he had a very scary stare unlike Stephan Lang who was fantastic as the bad colonel in Avatar but was shit in Conan.Rose Mcgowan was a fucking waste of space.Her make up made her look like a Gothic Wong Fei Hung (once upon a time in China).The damsel in distress was annoying as well.I wished someone had killed her halfway through the movie.
The violence in this movie was good.lots of blood and bashing of skulls is likened to watermelons being crushed.yup its that easy apparently.I hated the pace of the movie,it was just too fucking fast and editing was bad as well.

Crom is most displeased and wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone. If you have never heard of Conan,just go rent the 1982 version.

Best Quotes

Conan: You have a name?
Tamara: Tamara Amalia Jorvi-Karashan. And yours?
Conan: Conan.
Tamara: [pause] Conan... that's it?
Conan: How many names do I need?

Movies done by the director
Pathfinder

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